Pulling 30

Like Jacob Marley or Atlas,
I'm pulling the weight,
all the weight,
pulling the weight of
my history.

It ain't easy.

Existential Angst

It seems that when I pulled
a part of a poem with this
phrase in it for a college
project, I was naming
my disease, and the thing
that would haunt me from
that moment on.

Existential angst.

I just don't know what to do with myself.

And the real problem is,
neither does anyone else,
which would be fine, but
I know even with my
limited interpersonal skills,
there really shouldn't be
this huge a problem, as I'm
pulling 30, such a sustained
inability to make meaningful
connections with others.

It makes one think that
as far as the world is
concerned, they are pretty
worthless.

I'm arrogent enough to have
assumed otherwise.

Usually, as far as I can
tell, that's not usually
such a stumbling block.

But I could be wrong.

I believe in me.
I believe in me.
I believe in me.

The Scouring Monk, the Invisible Man

Unwanted by the world,
I could only entertain myself
in fictional ones.

Betrayed on all sides,
I became an island of one.

Every time I demonstrated
a spark of potential,
I was left behind by everyone.

I became a scouring monk,
not because I wanted to,
but because I had to.

I became an invisible man,
a pariah, anathema
to all the world,
though I did my best
with what I had
to contribute.

It was never enough,
and every cheek turned
away, every shoulder.

What else could result
from this?

Some rough miracle?

The Gauntlet

Being a creative writer,
or so I've learned,
is a little like
being thrown into
a gauntlet, with the mere hope
that you will be noticed
for your bravery.

Sometimes, perhaps most times,
it isn't even about talent,
but about the people
you can impress, and it won't
even be about what you do
in that gauntlet.

You can literally kill yourself
in there, and then maybe
they'll talk about you,
but then, half the point
will be kind of missed, won't it?

So tell me, why does it have
to be that way?

The Boxer

Working in retail
is a little like
being a boxer,
especially one
trying to work
their way up
or near the end
of their career.

Sure, maybe you
have some people
who believe in you,
but guess who's getting
all the punches?

But I have to go
with a different
metaphor (stuck
with that one
because I liked
the title).

Being in retail
is like playing
for a professional
sports team, which
I will specify here
as a baseball club.

No matter how
you do personally,
everyone's going
to think of your
team based on
how it's actually
doing, and base
their expectations
and frustrations
on that.

If you're losing,
you're worth
less than nothing.

They'll still expect
the world of you,
but they won't care
what kind of pressure
that actually is
to work under.

They only want results,
and they don't care
how you're actually
doing, just that
your whole team
can't seem to win.

Now amplify that
for the Boston market,
where even heroes
can quickly turn
into goats (yes,
even I have been
guilty of this one),
at the drop of a dime.

It's tough to be a star.

And then transfer that
into an experience
that pays far less
and expects far more
with the belief that
you can be replaced
very easily, no matter
what you can actually
do, and based only
on the most minimal
of observations.

And then there's customers.

They don't see you at all,
even when you're the best
thing to happen to them
all year at least.

They only see something
that is supposed to
answer their questions
and give them their
products and send them
on their way.

They hardly even appreciate
any of it, and definitely
don't remember it.

And if you don't meet
even the most unreasonable
of demands, then you
are the villain,
you are anathema,
just like that.

In retail,
it's legal to
slander reputations.

Ain't that grand?

The Obstructionists

Whether they mean to or not,
whether they know they're doing it or not,
whether it's me or not,
whether it actually works or not,
whether it's helpful or not,
I cannot abide the business of obstructionists.

But hey, that's life.

My So-Called French Heritage

It can be a little tough
sometimes
to know a lot of people
don’t have this problem.

They know exactly
where they come from
and what that means.

I don’t mean to suggest
that I don’t.

I know both sides of my family
come from French-speaking
Canada, that they were lured here
on the basis of a better life,
same as pretty much
everyone else.

I know that the generations
including my parents
spoke French regularly.

I know that my grandfather
spoke it exclusively.

I know that because every time
we would visit, that was all he would speak,
and that was just another feature
of what it meant to visit him.

I knew French as a secret language,
something my parents would use
when they didn’t want us to know
what they were saying (mostly
when they argued, I think).

We learned to pray in French,
but that was it.

I struggled through several years
of French in school, rebelling
against learning it, catching just enough
for middling grades.

On 9/11, I skipped French class
and that was the only happy memory
from that day.

I’m not going to use any French here,
a strictly unilingual poem.

I don’t know if that’s out of shame
or relief, because I don’t
have to bother with it
anymore.

We grew up Catholic,
so that’s as much culture
as was practiced in the household,
and there’s nothing much French
about that, except maybe
immigrant faith
(I don’t know).

I never knew what it was
to be French, what my ancestors
thought about it.

Mostly, I have gleamed
what I know
from popular culture.

I am supposed to be a romantic.

That’s as much as I know.

Somehow I feel a little robbed,
but at the same time, I find
that I don’t really care,
except when I’m wondering
what I may be missing.

I think that’s the kind
of experience that
will be more common
the more we progress
along the world of homogeny,
which I don’t say with denigration
but with a kind of admiration.

If I wanted to, I could learn
everything I wanted to know
tomorrow.

Everything that’s French
still exists. I still have family,
even in Canada (with a kind of saint
somewhere back there, maybe
looking over me, as he opens
the doors to prayer without fail).

There’s France, obviously,
which left such a bad impression
on me this past decade, leading a charge
against global reason, isolationism
(which is about as opposite of French
as I can imagine, from all that
I have gathered) its apparent
rallying cry.

Well, it certainly
left me in tears.

I’ve talked with my mother
about a lot of things, a lot
of her experiences growing up,
what she knows about her
family, but I wonder if
I shouldn’t start there,
ask more questions,
be more curious.

Hey, having a counterfeit
French connection
is curious enough already,
isn’t it?

I might as well continue.

The more people try
to differentiate themselves,
the more they discover,
possibly,
somewhere in the end,
that they’re not all that different
after all.

I wonder if that’s what
I’ll find out.

I don’t know what it means
to be French,
I have no practical
understanding,
no sense of the culture.

I live in a void,
and make things up
as I go.

Really, I’m not so different.

But I would like to know
some ways that I am
the same.

Philosophic Topics: Catharsis

I'm beginning to think
that one of the things
that makes me unique
is my heavy emphasis
on catharsis.

I don't believe in
a single catharsis,
but rather in the power
of many catharses.

I believe that one should
seek the things that will
provide them with new
meaning, new insight,
the old things and the new
that inspire them,
that reflect back on
themselves.

I believe in the philosophy
of catharsis, that in all things
is the potential to see
and understand all things.

"Intelligence is
the application
of knowledge."

That's a quote
from Vince McMahon,
a figure you will
hardly ever
see referenced
in poetry,
but I figure it's
worth at least
considering,
not the least
for being thought-
provoking from
a source that few
people would consider
to look in that regard.

Believe me, I've thought
a lot about
intelligence,
how it is probably
its own philosophy,
and to consider it
in relation
to knowledge,
I don't know,
maybe Vinnie
isn't being
so unique,
or maybe he is,
but that's not
really the point.

But it's a catharsis,
a way to view something
that can probably lead
to fruitful thoughts
and actions,
and that's the point,
an excellent example.

But littered through
everything I do,
everything I think,
is the idea of catharsis,
the need to pursue it,
to experience it,
no matter where it is,
no matter where
or how
it leads me.

That's its own philosophy, too.

Philosophic Topics: Inception

To say all ideas originate
in the mind would probably
seem a little redundant,
but when do you ever
really think about it?

When do you think about
how that actually happens,
how you formulate your ideas?

How many people
are aware of
the internal
and external
processes
that combine
and effect
their ideas?

It becomes so
abstract
that you might as well
consider it
a philosophic topic.

Philosophic Topics: The Metaphysics of Value

What are good metaphysics
if not a philosophic topic?

Value is the funniest one
out there, because so few
people truly seem to
understand what it is,
how it applies to
their thought process,
how it probably ought
to be one of the things
they're always thinking about.

But that's life.

Philosophic Topics IX

Frustration
is definitely
a philosophic topic.

That's the only time,
right in the thick of it,
when it seems least relevant,
that I begin to appreciate
a Zen outlook, to believe
all will be well,
and that all will be well,
and that all manner of things
will be well.

It's panic
that really gets me,
that's all.

Philosophic Topics VIII

Don't mistake fate
for coincidence
and certainly don't
mistake coincidence
for fate.

But it's a fine philosophy
to live one's life by,
either one you choose.

Always look at circumstances
for the opportunities
they provide, how they benefit
you, no matter what
you're actually doing
or how useful that
activity apparently is.

Sometimes, things just
fall together, and it's
a fine sight to see,
especially if you
were paying attention
all along.

Philosophic Topics VII

threatened by intelligence
not buffered
by successful
strategic alliances,
most people
make the best members
of society
its pariahs

Philosophic Topics VI

there's something
offensive
about early
technological adopters
who don't understand
that the luxuries
they have today
aren't really
all that special,
and will be
even less so
tomorrow.

that being said,
what makes this
a philosophical topic
is that at some point,
it becomes offensive
to try and continue
living as if some
technologies
that have been
completely assimilated
are still inaccessible.

how to reconcile
these extremes?

why do people
have to make
everything
so complicated?

Philosophic Topics V

One might deem
"turn the other cheek"
to be its own kind
of philosophy, and
to that end, I'd like
to address it here,
because I can think
or no more relevant
example of how people
are supposed to act
around each other.

I understand the positive
nature, the goodwill
and best intentions
that lay behind it,
and that there is basically
nothing wrong with it,
but it's also a little
naive, something even Jesus
couldn't always live up to
(you might recall a certain
anecdote concerning a
temple incident),
and perhaps for that
very reason I can't
say I personally endorse it,
at least not fully.

I believe that when people
are allowed to persist
in behaviors that are detrimental
to others, it hurts those
people as much as it hurts
those who are affected
by them, and to say
that the best and only
way to react is to
turn the other cheek
is to become a part
of the problem.

It's okay to say there's
a better way, that you
can't force people to change,
and I know we've had some
considerable examples
of this philosophy
(at least apparently)
in the last century,
but I say, change begins
by attempting to initiate it,
and that is not a self-
fulfilling prophecy.

Prophecy,
not philosophy.

Philosophic Topics IV

I like the concept
of good vibrations,
just letting things
that make you feel
good surround you,
and block away
the negative.

It's more of a philosophy,
really, because it's far
easier said than done,
and you can debate whether
that's actually good for
you, and I think that's
what philosophy should
really be about, not
some supposed genius
explaining the world,
but the opening of
a dialogue.

Maybe some of the philosophers
already knew that...

Philosophic Topics III

As to whether or not
it's possible to please
others, or figure out
their motivations,
I think that's one of
the biggest topics
possible in philosophy,
not so much whether they
exist, some psychological
analysis of what it means
when others reject you,
but whether is possible
or preferable to accept
that life goes on, or
can go on, regardless
of what your life means
to others.

This is the existential
angst, the infinitesimal
atom, the grain of salt
in your eye that can
cause you annoyance

but beyond that?

Philosophic Topics II

One of those philosophic topics
that always bugged me
has been the struggle to determine
what exactly the nature of reality is,
which may be as simple as whether
or not what you see is real
or cogito ergo sum.

I don't need to think
or to see to be or be seen;
idiots and blind people
are just as real as me.

Philosophic Topics

I've never much been compelled
to read a lot of philosophy -

in fact, I avoided the topic
in college precisely because
I didn't want it ruined
liked so many others,

and certainly didn't want
someone telling me I was
right or wrong or forcing
another flimsy assignment
paper on some basic
reporting, which is all
most teachers really seem
to be interested in
(because they'll know
if that stuff's accurate,
but won't admit that
they can't keep up
with your own thoughts).

(Everyone's got an opinion
until someone says it's wrong,
but that's why it's called
an opinion, and why we
should focus a little more
on that, because opinions
are the basis of philosophy.)

Like poetry, philosophy doesn't
come easily as interesting
reading material, because
a lot of it just isn't all
that interesting, no matter
what others have to say
about it.

In fact, philosophy is very much
something teachers could sit around
talking about (which is one
version of what a teacher
should be doing, that or letting
their students do it for them),
because it almost doesn't matter
what the original philosophers
actually said, so much as what
they were trying to.

But all this is a roundabout way
of saying that like poetry,
philosophy is certainly something
that I like to dabble in,
liberally mixing into my poetry,
actually (you may have noticed)
just because that's the kind
of guy I am.

I would very much like to find
people who are interested
in talking about life, not
so much complaining about it
(although it's fun and I
certainly do my share of it)
as attempting to answer
the reasons why, the same
as anyone, the same thing
people have been doing
for as long as people
have been around.

But those people,
even though
they're everywhere,
are very hard
to find.

So I write about it.

Happiness Not Required

Isn't it a little odd
that other people
really don't care
whether or not
you're happy?

I think that's
what we ought
to be thinking about,
the true measure
of philosophy.

I'm A Stranger Here Myself

I think we'd all be better off
if we stopped treating each other
like strangers.

I mean think of it, stop being
so afraid of everyone else,
and don't you think

things might run a little more smoothly?

Books Are The Most Thriving Endangered Species of All!

I gotta say,
and I know
I just talked
about this,
but as far
as endangered
species go,
books are doing
pretty okay
for themselves.

The real problem
is that everyone
keeps lamenting
their sad fate,
as if they're
already gone,
and we're a
poorer culture
for not noticing
it yet.

The problem with this
is that those same
people have no idea
what they're missing
in the meantime,
because they're so busy
complaining. They
really don't even know
what they're defending,

like a bird complaining
that there's no room
to fly
while it's soaring
in the sky.

Maybe I'm talking
about books,
and maybe I'm
talking about
environmentalists.

Or maybe I'm
just taking up space
with words.

Ah, well,
that's fun, too.

All I know is, there's a lot
of books out there, and more
and more every day, which is
a strangely curious thing
to happen for something that's
apparently quickly fading away!