Being 30

I think,
now that
I've finally
reached my
birthday
and am 30,
that what
I'm feeling
is less
a pulling
than a sense
of momentum.

I think that's
not so bad.

Pulling 30 Fourteen

More than anything,
it's the increased
awareness of your
own history that
begins to pull itself,
after three decades.

You begin to think,
is that really
what I've accomplished,
is that really all
that I seem to
have become?

It's not sadness
about success,
really, so much
as a personal sense
of pride, which
I believe is the
only true measuring
rod in life, the
only thing we
should care about.

I'm not talking
about pride
in a biblical sense,
not Pride, but
a sense of satisfaction,
not in wanting more
things or wanting less,
but the cumulative
perspective, the sense
of self, whether this
might really be
all I am capable
of being.

I think,
and just
because
of that,
I am?

How far beyond
that have I
managed to get,
how far along
my own personal
growth, have
I gotten?

How much do
I need to
depend
on others,
and how much
have I
assumed
for myself?

This is the pull
I speak of,
the full and
necessary weight,
what binds us
to the earth
and our own minds,
the self in the self.

It is a momentous
occasion, I think,
pulling 30.

Pulling 30 Thirteen

Part of the pull
everyone feels
is the self in the self,
because it's what
everybody wants,
but few are able
to obtain.

I mean to say,
most people
are confused
by the influences
that direct their
lives, so that
what they believe
are their thoughts
have actually come
prepackaged for them.

These people can
easily be influenced,
though they'll say
otherwise.

Those, however,
who are truly
in touch with
the self in the self
have an understanding
of their thoughts,
where they came from,
and where they are
going.

You could call them
the deep thinkers.

They're always chanting
"42, 42, 42,"
just because;

they think in
metaphor, because
their minds are
always at work,
because the self
in the self
has many things
to see and interpret,
and is never
comfortable,
always shifting.

They change their minds
because they want to,
not because they think
that's what they're
supposed to do.

They are a leaf on the wind -
watch them soar.

Pulling 30 Twelve

It strikes me that
each of the three
religions that
descended from
Abraham have all
gone on similar
paths.

In short,
they really like
to get attention.

Not to dwell on Jews
too much, because
they get enough shit
as it is, but
I've been thinking
that the Babylonian exile
was probably a good thing,
all things considered,
what probably made
Judaism the culture it is
today.

Because what King David
had been making of it,
that's what Christianity
eventually took over,
right at the last point
Jews were really in a position
of their own authority.

Christians got so excited
about it they actually
started acting exactly
like the Jews who gave
the original Christians
(i.e. Christ and his apostles)
such a hard time, which
makes it pretty ironic,
but not as much as what
Muslims did once they
appeared on the scene.

I don't mean to be heretical
here, but I consider Islam
basically to be Judaism
rebooted back to tribal days,
with all the Mosaic strictures
enforced incredibly strictly.

I once called Muslims today
to be the last revolution,
because that's exactly what
I think we're all waiting for,
the point where Muslims
finally get over the hump
and decide it's more
important to live the culture
than to die by it.

In this sense, I've been
watching religion, throughout
history and in my own time,
constantly pulling society
this way and that.

Being a part of this scene
has probably defined me
in more ways than I
have yet come to fully
embrace, which itself
is pretty appropriate.

Pulling 30 Eleven

The Missing Six
is like the missing link,
or like how we domesticated
dogs but forgot to tell
them other people, not
just their owners,
were okay, too.

The Missing Six
is symbolic and
maybe accidental.

The Missing Six
happened and
will never happen
again and will
not be fixed.

The Missing Six
might not even
be noticed
unless you're
paying attention,
and in that case
you might have
already assumed
that it was
on purpose.

In that case,
the Missing Six
was definitely
deliberate,
as are all the
actions of those
you admire, until
you don't, and
in which case,
everything is wrong
and so the Missing Six
was meant to give you
a reason right off
the bat.

Anyway, the Missing Six
pulled away some
attention, but
we'll soon be back
on track.

Pulling 30 Ten

Until I moved
to Colorado,
I never knew
there were
black squirrels,

and yet here
they are,
scurrying about
just like any
other kind,

defying my
previous beliefs
as a matter
of course,
shattering on
tiny legs

my assumptions.

Pulling 30 Nine

my beauty would see

my beauty would see
many things, and does,
but it's like it's
at the bottom of the sea,
or was meant for animals,
everywhere but where
humans could appreciate

my beauty would see,
except that it is blind
and indiscriminant,
at least as most people see,
too baffling to comprehend
and embracing too much
for its own good

my beauty would see
but it's constantly
pulling at me